As the saying goes, there are a couple of things you can’t avoid in this world, death and taxes, yesterday I faced both.
My taxes were actually completed last week. All I was supposed to do was show up at my accountant’s office to sign the state and federal forms so they could be e-filed, but when I showed up, pen in hand, it sent the front office staff all a-twittering. Not that they were sending 140-character messages online, they were too busy talking in short sentences to each other as they were trying to locate my apparently lost file.
“It was right here!”
“Yes, but it’s not here now.”
“I saw them yesterday.”
“You did? Where?”
“Um… I don’t remember.”
“Are they in THAT cabinet?’
“Oh, Betty, I hope not!”
“Did you check Nile’s desk?”
“Why would they be on Nile’s desk?”
And they all scampered down the hall to Nile’s office.
Forty minutes later they told me it was best if I waited elsewhere while they continued the investigation. I think my standing at the front counter just made them more anxious. I decided to head home and wait for their call.
On the way I passed by a cemetery. I’m not in the habit of driving through the headstones, but felt the urge to turn in. Last week I was in this same cemetery as we buried the oldest son of one of my friends. I decided to visit his grave and process through the loss. It had been a moving graveside service- though I’ve presided over several funerals, I had never witnessed a casket being lowered into the ground. The ratcheting noise, mixed with the wailing of the deceased’s fiancé, still haunts me.
On this day the site was quiet, the earth replaced, and besides a few flowers left over from our memorial there was no marker. I guess things are still too fresh. If you hadn’t been in attendance last week and now came upon this mound of dirt you wouldn’t understand. I guess even if the gravestone was in place you may know the who and the what, but the stories would still be missing. I look over the sea of nearby gravestones realizing they all have stories that are lost, at least to me. And at that moment the sting of death feels very, very real.
I try to navigate out of the park while avoiding the northwest corner of the cemetery. This is the location that I used to bring my discipleship school students when we’d study the topic of relinquishment. I can’t get out of the graveyard or the memories, without driving through it. My heart starts throbbing and I turn on the music in my pickup to drown out the beating. I arrive home to a phone call that they’ve found my taxes. They don’t say where they were hiding.
In the evening I head to a local church where I have been asked to speak to a group of seminar participants. This is a regular engagement, one that I do once a quarter. I receive a text message from a friend in Louisiana, checking in on me. His simple, “How u doin?” sends me processing. I’m excited to teach tonight, though it really is more leading a discussion and sharing stories than it is teaching, but it is also the only teaching gig I have. In this last year I’ve taught four times each one of them for this same group. And it dawns on me. It’s been a year. Today marks the anniversary of being let go from the church, from being told that my discipleship school was being shut down.
I suppress the feelings and launch into my two hour discussion. The time flies by and it is a good night. I miss teaching. A lot. I have tried to convince myself over the course of this last year that I just need to use my writing to express my voice. But tonight is proof enough that my fingers can’t do all of my soul’s talking. I text my friend back from the security of a bathroom stall and am honest with him, “I miss teaching.”
And then the seminar participants want to interact. I do so guardedly, knowing that a lot of emotions are right under the surface from my day. Unexpectedly a young, college-age girl approaches me. In listening to her story it dawns on me that she is a current student in the school that the church launched to replace mine. She doesn’t know who I am. There is no grave marker to read.
As I drive home I stop trying to hold back the tears. They come easily.
My phone beeps again. Another text. It is the brother of the young man we buried last week. He and his family just arrived at a beautiful cabin that had been donated to them for a few days of rest and recovery time. It is the same cabin that I had taken my school to last year for a very memorable retreat.
“We’re at the cabin. Heard you’ve had history here”
“Yes, some amazing memories. I’m hoping and praying for the same for you”
“Me too. Thanks, Captain.”
And my crying turns to unexpected sobbing as he calls me by the name that my students used to.
Pain, like death and taxes, is unavoidable. And even when it has been quietly hiding in the emotional filing cabinet doesn’t mean it won’t be found, have to be signed for, and processed.
The lessons on relinquishment are not lost on me. I have experienced death. Certainly the dying of dreams is nowhere near the pain of losing a son or a brother, but it is death nonetheless, and a year out, I am still grieving.
Tweet
Check out my other blog, Jesus or Squirrel. It’s a fun attempt at figuring out what should truly be credited to Jesus, Religion, Hype, Tradition, Superstition, Satan, Oral Roberts and his Friends, or The Squirrel.
Studio Casey
diamonds losangeles…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
medicare supplement insurance…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
Websites you should visit…
[...]below you’ll find the link to some sites that we think you should visit[...]……
bikinis uk…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
tofu press…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
took…
[...]Antacids like sodium bicarbonate and calcium carbonate assists to fight heartburn to a specific extent[...]…
CFD…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
chef career…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
Libra Traits…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
ways to make money online…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
Dental Loupes…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
men…
[...]By doing so, they are not exposing themselves to the negative effects of heartburn[...]…
Online Posting……
[...]The info described in the page are some of the most excellent available [...]……
concord plumbing service…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
Sales Video Production…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
Gems form the internet…
[...]very few websites that happen to be detailed below, from our point of view are undoubtedly well worth checking out[...]……
SENuke X Secret Sauce (And How to Get Yourself Some)…
[...]More: SENuke X Secret Sauce (And How to Get Yourself Some) – Download SENuke X Secret Sauce (And How to Get Yourself Some) as PDF[...]…
mid…
[...]Heartburn has nothing to do with the heart. The main reason for heartburn to happen is due to heavy intake of food and when the lower[...]…
Sexchat…
[...]Sexchat gratis ausprobieren[...]…
[...]very few websites that happen to be detailed below, from our point of view are undoubtedly well worth checking out[...]……
[...]Here is a Great Blog You Might Find Interesting that we Encourage You[...]……
adobe indesign cs5…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
Blogs you should be reading……
[...]Here is a great blog you might find Interesting that we encourage you[...]……
currency trading…
[...]Spot on with this write-up, I truly assume this web site wants far more consideration. I’ll in all probability be again to read much more, thanks for that info.[...]…
Our Trackback……
[...]very few websites that happen to be detailed below, from our point of view are undoubtedly well worth checking out[...]………
You should check this out……
[...] Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine a few unrelated data, nevertheless really worth taking a look, whoa did one learn about Mid East has got more problerms as well [...]………
Trusted sites…
[...]Today I was reading this interesting website and I wanted to link to it[...]…
Recommended Sites…
[...]just below, are some totally unrelated sites to ours, however, they are definitely worth checking out[...]…
corset…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
Websites worth visiting……
[...]here are some links to sites that we link to because we think they are worth visiting[...]………
You should check this out…
[...] Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine a few unrelated data, nevertheless really worth taking a look, whoa did one learn about Mid East has got more problerms as well [...]……
Sites we Like………
[...] Every once in a while we choose blogs that we read. Listed below are the latest sites that we choose [...]………
Great website…
[...]we like to honor many other internet sites on the web, even if they aren’t linked to us, by linking to them. Under are some webpages worth checking out[...]………
Awesome website……
[...]the time to read or visit the content or sites we have linked to below the[...]………
You should check this out……
[...] Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine a few unrelated data, nevertheless really worth taking a look, whoa did one learn about Mid East has got more problerms as well [...]………
[...]The information mentioned in the article are some of the best available [...]……
[...]below you’ll find the link to some sites that we think you should visit[...]……
[...]always a big fan of linking to bloggers that I love but don’t get a lot of link love from[...]……
[...]just beneath, are numerous totally not related sites to ours, however, they are surely worth going over[...]……
Blogs you should be reading……
[...]Here is a great blog you might find Interesting that we encourage you[...]……
Cool sites……
[...]we came across a cool site that you might enjoy. Take a look if you want[...]………
Websites we think you should visit…
[...]although websites we backlink to below are considerably not related to ours, we feel they are actually worth a go through, so have a look[...]……
Websites we think you should visit…
[...]although websites we backlink to below are considerably not related to ours, we feel they are actually worth a go through, so have a look[...]……
Lose Weight…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
Scorpio Traits…
Hi thanks for this informative article, I certainly learnt alot, can’t wait to see what else you have to offer!…
sony nr220e battery…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
aprons…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
Recent Blogroll Additions……
[...]usually posts some very interesting stuff like this. If you’re new to this site[...]……
golf lessons online…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
van…
[...]Myrtle beach golf packages are ones to appreciate using the greatest golf fun because it does not happen for all of the golfers but merely a really few ones inside the whole area[...]…
dewalt DC725KA…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
Dreamweaver CS5 books…
Such a lovely blog you have, glad I found it!…
Blogs you should be reading……
[...]Here is a great blog you might find Interesting that we encourage you[...]……