I walked out of the Sr. Pastor’s office with my head hung low. I had just been publicly hauled over the coals and I was still smoldering. I wasn’t new to pastoring, but I was relatively new to this man’s staff. My offense?—I had promised a young couple that I would perform their wedding ceremony, and this news had just got back to the senior pastor through his wife. They weren’t pleased with me, even though I was the one doing the marriage counseling and had been interacting with the engaged couple for several months. The pastor let me know his disapproval in front of the church’s elders with a pointed finger, raised voice, and flushed cheeks.
You know that feeling you get when you look in the rearview mirror and see the flashing lights of a police car? The blood quickly drains from your upper appendages, looking for a safe place to hide. It doesn’t matter if you were over the speed limit or not, you immediately react to being in trouble. Even if you quickly pull over and the cop car speeds by on its way to apprehend a real criminal it takes you a few minutes to gain composure and continue on your merry, little way. But there was no chance of regaining composure on this day, even though I didn’t think I’d broken the law. This wasn’t a cop who wanted to discuss anything but his view of the pending nuptials.
I wanted to throw up. I desperately wanted a do-over. I spent all day trying to figure out how to make things right – for the pastor and his wife, for the engaged couple, and for me. As we had left it after the meeting, I could perform the wedding, but would be paying the price with new rules and oversight when it came to making future decisions that “impacted the church.” It was a tough paradox. As a staff, we were constantly being encouraged to step up, take leadership, have vision, make decisions and lead our own areas of ministry. We were coached to be high-level leaders that didn’t need micro-management from above. This freed up our superiors to be free to pursue their own vision for the church. It sounded like a great plan to me, but it only worked when everything was going smoothly. There was a different set of rules if there was a complaint in my dining car about a meal I had served. Then the train engineer would decide that he had to sign off on my next menu.
I had apologized in the meeting for making a decision that had come across as independent. Now I sat in my office reflecting on the interaction with the couple, the discussion about their wedding with the pastors, and our process for marrying people in the church. I looked for pride, independence, preferential treatment, and the other accusations that had been volleyed at me in the meeting. The best I could come up with was poor communication and unmet expectations.
I also reflected on the reaction of and treatment by the Sr. Pastor. I’d seen men blow their tops before. I’ve had people be angry with me before. I’ve certainly done my share of letting people down and disappointing them, but I was also used to leaders who knew when they’d overdone their correction and had reacted stronger than what the situation called for. I’ve seen my dad humble himself after getting angry; I’ve seen teachers apologize to a whole class; I’ve seen our president say he was sorry when our country came across as arrogant. Maybe some choose to see this as weakness, but I admire a leader who has the strength to admit their issues and address them.
I waited all day for an apology that never came.
The hollowness intensified as the hours went by. I needed closure. I didn’t want to go to bed that night undone. At the end of the afternoon I walked back down the hallway to the pastor’s office. I apologized again for putting him and the church in a awkward situation. I offered that it hadn’t been in my heart to misrepresent him and that I’d be more careful in the future. I stood there in his office doorway and cried.
He put his hand on my shoulder, looking down at me, and smiled. He soothed, “You’re going to be okay. Everything is going to be just fine.” I started to relax. “You know,” he continued, “I told my wife this morning before I left the house, ‘Well, here is my chance to jump on Chad with both feet and see what squeezes out.”
You can observe the true insides of a man when they are being squeezed like a tube of toothpaste.
He went on to share a leadership principle with me about observing the true insides of a man when they are being squeezed like a tube of toothpaste. Most of the lesson was lost on me. I was too mortified by the realization that my morning’s whipping was not something that rose out of an angry moment but was actually a pre-planned hearing and punishment.
I was incredulous by the time I arrived home, telling my wife that I couldn’t believe that there were ‘tests’ like this in Christian ministry. I knew they did harsh leadership development in the military—“Dig this hole! Now fill it!”—in order to tear down a recruit and rebuild them into the military’s desired mold, but I hadn’t signed up for the Marines, I thought the Church was supposed to be different.
Does this character test and leadership development method work? Yes, it can. It will produce a group of followers, even leaders, who jump first, as desired, and land on top of others. Later my boss told me he learned this method from the Sr. Pastor that had used it on him when he was first in the ministry.
My heart thinks there are better ways to make disciples and leaders. My heart thinks the Kingdom of God is not built on the strong and powerful. My heart thinks that leadership that puts vision over people is abusive.
The story of Job in the Old Testament is about a man who got jumped up and down on. He got squeezed and squeezed and a whole lot of things, both good and bad, came out. But the idea of testing this way and the method of squeezing was never God’s; it was inspired by a very different character in that story altogether.
Squeeze others very, very carefully. Hugs are preferable. Thank you.
TweetCartoon reprinted with permission of artist and naked pastor, David Hayward.
Studio Casey
Ironically, I have found far better leaders in the military than I ever did in the church. We have a process for holding abusive leaders accountable. While there are still those who lead with arrogance and pride-they tend to be more balance and mission focussed than a pastor who can often lead from insecurity. I wished Seminary required a four year assignment at the chapel.
Thanks for your input Dave, you make a great point. In the system I was in there was no accountability, as you describe.
Interesting and so very sad. Mike has risen through the ranks of leadership in a large bank utilizing the principles of servant leadership. Amazing to me that you can find this type of lead by example mentoring in a secular institution, but not in the local church. Situations like that certainly teach you what NOT to do as a leader don't they?
Angela,
I have to admit that for many years I used this same story as an example of how to purposely mentor another person in ministry. Truth is, even in the sharing of the story I never got over the shock and pain of the manipulation. I don't blame the person for treating me this way. I think it was learned behavior that was never corrected. At the time I didn't have the stones to stand up for myself or others. I wanted the job too badly.
As for Mike, I've always experienced him as servant hearted. I'm glad the banking industry in Texas has found value in him and his way of operating. We miss you both here in Idaho.
Learned behavior or not, a man in church leadership is supposed to be mature spiritually. Spiritual maturity requires an examination of EVERYTHING in light of the love of God. Leadership does not excuse sinful behavior and treatment of others with disrespect. I read in Zechariah about the shepherds who "will not care for the lost, or seek the young, or heal the injured, or feed the healthy, but will eat the meat of the choice sheep, tearing off their hooves" who are raised up by God to pasture the flock marked for slaughter. He would never leave one of his precious sheep in the hands of a man like that without there being a heavy punishment.
Thank you for your comments and your heart. I appreciate what you have added to this discussion.
I always thought the way to see what a person was made of was to give them a job that was just a little over their head and see what they did with it. Glad I know now that it's really how they handle being abused by their boss. </sarcasm>
At this point in my life, an encounter like that would find me quietly looking for the exit.
I think the pastor was half right but only in this portion: when a man is squeezed, you do find out what is within him. I think the glaring error is when we feel we have to orchestrate pressures and situations which force-squeeze someone to prove their mettle. Life provides enough tests and trials, *as well as* enough opportunities for us to come alongside one another to help and encourage someone through those trials. Very sad situation, indeed.
Thanks for your comments, Gloria. I think you are right on. We can learn a lot from how someone responds to hard times, but choosing to manufacture those situations is both cruel and unnecessary.
I agree with Gloria.
The hard part in dealing with a wacko leader is that they do that kind of thing, but not in front of the whole congregation. Consequently, the sheep think that the leader is very spiritual, but as a staffer you know it is just a line of crap. It helps to remember that nothing, absolutely nothing, is hidden from God.
Ya, that part is hard. There can often be a much different voice used from the pulpit.
I've tried typing some kind of response to this, can't. Lost for words. Sorry for your pain. May we as a body learn, and may the members of the body who function like this feel a conviction from the Holy Spirit to change, if they haven't yet. Only Father God is wise enough to see when one needs squeezing. And as Israel could find comfort in knowing that God would destroy the things he punished Israel with for a moment, may we likewise not find joy in being used by God in such a manner.
May we instead plead before the Father to take such a cup from us.
i do think it is more our job to hug than it is to squeeze. Thanks for your comments and the personal message that you sent.
8 But be not ye called Rabbi: for one is your Master, even Christ; and all ye are brethren.
9 And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven.
10 Neither be ye called masters: for one is your Master, even Christ.
You don't much hear this theme preached on by the professional clergy…..but you sure do hear lots of sermons about submission to authority….HA….someone out there has a God complex…
Very true, Shirley. I hear lots about "upside down leadership" but I very rarely see it in action. Instead I experience control and manipulation. On more than one occasion this leader told me that I served at the pleasure of the King, and he wasn't referring to Jesus.
Meekness is having power but restraining for a greater good. I don’t read meekness in the experience you describe.
No, not meekness. It has always made me wonder what the fear is that drives him to control.
Bottom line – it's abuse. It doesn't matter how 'spiritual' they make it seem or how much scripture they lace around it. God can use anything to form us into the likeness of Christ but the perfect example of how to achieve it is how Christ treated his disciples. He washed their feet. If anyone was 'squeezed' it was Jesus Himself
Very well said, Liz. Thank you.
Nothing else to really add, except for well done. A personal story well-told and expertly mined for truth. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for taking the time to comment, Knox. Cheers.
This was abuse plain and simple. I know when I blow my top with my daughters I instantly realize I didn't handle it correctly…even when they were doing something very wrong. I may have to stew for a bit but I can't go on much longer until I have to explain to them that Daddy shouldn't have reacted that way. I also explain why their action(s) or behavior(s) upset me but that I still shouldn't have reacted that way. That is how my dad dealt with my behaviors and his overreactions to them. The church runs off of a "Social Darwinism" system of the survival of the fittest. The weak die off and the powerful rule. If you can't "keep up with the pack" you are left behind. Pretty sick stuff in my mind.
This is a good lesson for us all- and why I chose to share it. Thanks for opening up too.
I agree with Matt! The power hungry forget that Jesus was and preached meekness. They just step all over the weak. Only consolation is keep learning and loveing regardless. Maybe after you have recovered from the abuse
I'm in healing! Thanks, Colleen.
I cried when I read this, for you Chad, and also for my dad, who could share similar stories. I have nothing profound to say here, but I've got a big hug for you the next time I see you
Cindy. I've seen your dad be systematically cut down and reduced to tears in his ministry. It is still a painful memory for me. It is sad that some of what he and I share are common stories and backgrounds of church abuse. There are so many greater things about your dad that should be embraced and celebrated.
Thanks for commenting. I'll look for that hug soon.
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